Life is funny, the purpose of it is to grow and learn. 2020 I learned and let go: This year a former friend going through a separation, come on to me. We started dating against my better judgement. If I could go back in time, I would say to myself decline, a few months months later I did just that. I’d started a conversation saying we need to discuss where we are going with dating. I said we either need to pause, see other people and maybe try dating again if they get divorced and just remain friends or slow down the pace because they weren’t ready and making me a priority yet they love me. There was also another motivation for me to do that. Ill explain. The first 7 weeks were so much fun until he started losing his temper with me accusing me of trying to control him like his ex wife and projecting as ex wife did. I set a boundary the first time he lost his temper with me and snapped because he was triggered that I said he doesn’t need to care about his ex wife’s medicine etc. That was it. That he changes the way he talks with me and calms down and we talk through the trigger or I’ll leave. He was triggered because his wife use to control him. He was leaving an abusive manipulative wife (backed by his family) and she cheated denied it then confirmed it, plus some other scary stuff. At the end this former friend was yelling and losing his temper at me for saying my feelings, opinions or setting boundaries when his actions were not okay. When we have that conversation about how our dating he acknowledged he need to go to therapy to stop taking his problems out on me and want to end things as well because it was not fair to keep me on the backburner. We agreed to remain friends with very loose maybe to try again once he was divorced fully. I was not waiting around and told him backburner is a position I will never accept willingly. As a friend I told him how his temper made me feel unsafe emotionally while dating hinting at this is other reason why I forced the conversation. That what we were building was unhealthy. He played the victim, tried to break up with me after we both agreed to broke up , accused me of trying to blame him at this point and blamed me because he upset I constantly second guess him feelings wise and felt like repetition… so I walked away. Cut. And remind him we broke up already and future dating was not guaranteed with a maybe nor was holding on to him while he was divorcing . Don’t dismiss my feelings as a friend. So lessons I’d like to pass on, do not date separated man- too much baggage they maybe the sweetest guy but they are ready till at least one year of after their divorce. Never tolerate disrespect and being an option for someone. As soon as I felt like I was an option to him and the level of respect starting to diminish I set boundaries to restrict his access to me which lead us to ending things as I said we can continue dating but I am no longer doing the same thing or just end things as you are not making me a priority and that is a problem. I offered a choice and he chose to end things which I was okay with and accepted.
In this was a lot of hurt though. I lost a friend (my choice) and my feelings were messed with even thought I set boundaries to ensure not. I knew letting go and walking away from someone I grew to love and he claimed to love me but had a very weird way of showing it. I tried to get some answers but met with the silent treatment unless was about him not what happened, so I gave up. I am glad I had that conversation and took my power back and there is no need to forgive him, I am simply let go and moved on to give my love to someone who deserves it and is healthy. I do wish him well and love him very much, even if he is no longer allowed in my life.
Here the incident that made me Realize that a change was needed. The exact words that were yelled at were when I expressed feeling like an afterthought due to actions not okay, I was interrupted and he jumped up and yelled “No . No you are projecting. You are twisting things around and making me seem like an asshole when all I was trying to do was be nice. Just like my ex wife use to do.” I go, no I am not. Voice raised louder “Don’t dismiss my feelings.” I go I am not , it’s about me and how I am feeling . I am expressing how I felt when you offer me an will see that is why I set that boundary with you. It didn’t make me feel good even if your intent was to be nice. This is not first time I seen an angry outburst. And it’s considered gaslighting. I never accused him of being an asshole, I was not impressed with his actions and they weren’t nice. Sometimes someone going through trauma emulate their abusers until they get some real help.
I wish him well and excited for a new chapter.