“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
How many of you feel shame or felt shame? A great way to define shame is a feeling your whole self is wrong. If you grow up in an abusive environment, you received this message early on in life .
A personal note:
Being raised partially in a toxic family (one side who have members who bullies, manipulates others) I developed a strong sense of shame. I was literally rejected by some of extended family then taken in then rejected so many times that eventually, I just rejected most members completely, except for the few who shown me they care. For me, inconsistency is a major warning and a trigger. My other side of my family are consistent, loving and taught me empathy etc. As a young child I became a people pleaser with a voice when needed. It was a survival technique so I would be okay, while I was with my toxic family. As I became older, I realize it made me a target for bullying and I was being bullied at school and home and this behaviour was very maladaptive. Therapy at 13-14, helped me stop that behaviour, however the shame associate to that was strong and something I have to work on for the rest of my life. As an adult, it is hard breaking those old shame tapes. When I stood my ground as a child, I was made out to be the bad person and selfish, especially in my family. I would literally be bullied by them , tell them to go away and then some family members played the victim. Oh lord, I documented all interactions and cut ties in my young adulthood. It was empowering and relieving. I always felt I was wrong for being sensitive, loving and having a voice….so when I encountered people who were similar, in my adult life took so long to over come those situations that triggered me, my behavior would go back sometimes in a kid like reaction (very fierce) and that shame would come back stronger. The voices of were going ” You are not good enough and who do you think you are?” (Thanks Brene, that is so accurate) It took and stills does a lot of training put shame to rest and to do that compassion towards myself and others as well as empathy. As I grew with confidence I learn that I am not everyone cup of tea and I do not have to like everyone and its okay if we do not get a long or talk and that I do not have to stay and deal with situations that are abusive or tolerate bullying behaviour. I am not a little girl without any voice. I matter.
To those reading:
YOU MATTER! Your shame does not define you it, your willingness to change and how you choose to live your life does.
Your shame has no power over you unless you let it. To deal with your shame, you have to become vulnerable and take responsibility for your life, develop self-empathy and compassion and talk about what shames you to loving people in your life. Each time you do a piece of your wound heals. Let go of people, behaviours and situations that no longer serve you and you matter, your mistakes matter, your maladaptive behaviour matters because you matter. You are worthy.
A great video by Brene Brown on shame. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame/up-next?language=en
Thank You for reading