A Personal Post of Self Worth

“Thank you for your response. I am not hurt. I became very confused. I am very protective of myself, the things I work hard on and my love ones. Which you know more about than others. We have never had a real conversation so I don’t know who I am talking too really vice versa. And online things can get really confusing if boundaries aren’t
in place. I set boundaries with have them really strict with people I interact with online. I hope your partner feels better. I do not need a run down of your life or what’s going on you’re an adult you will be busy. I am busy as well, So I don’t notice when you last log on or whatever. And I am seeing someone too. Your right, you do you and I do me. Which is why I was telling you about exactly who I am. As far as I know, you know nothing about me personally, what’s on my blog and my book again not obligated. I sent videos to you to so you kno I am being authentic, so if your feeling attacked do not be, if you are feeling my support and care is conditional it is not. But as I state I am human too. The way our interaction started was unbalanced and I never thought I’d ask you to collaborate on something. So I am glad we are having this conversation. Yes, it’s due by October 31. If I do not receive it by then as stated prior I will post it without your part unless I have a personal emergency. I am honoured to support your cause.”
I wrote (In bold) this last October to an artist I was a fan of. A male artist creating amazing artwork and speaking openly about mental health on social media and who created a great peer resource. I made a wrong choice in entrusting an online persona who interacts with all his fans online and found myself begging him to see my worth after a getting a belittling, insincere apology ( I am sorry if you felt offended and hurt, not my intention. I love your support. But you do you and I do me. All love) this was told in response to me asking them not to treat me a certain way and to not tell me they were going e-mail my writing back and not follow through. (It happen a couple of times.) It was a very belittling response to my boundaries and feelings and asking him not to not return my writing, He had sent me message indicating he would. I was establishing healthy boundaries in regards to my professional work and ensuring I could honour what I said to other people.

This was not my standard to beg people for respect etc. I let myself down. I ignored my gut. I had even establish boundaries and expectations, not soon enough though. Here is what I said “Hey.. I. am very grateful for the past couple of months, how we connected and know that I meant what I said and genuinely care and support you. I know we are not friends really but friendly acquaintances. This being said- I opened up a bit more than intended with you and have to establish boundaries to ensure we are on the same page and no misunderstandings happen since all communication is online. Please know I want nothing from you, I will not beg for a friendship or a fellow on social media (not my style) or info
about you or your love ones. I also except that everything I open about stay relatively private. I treat people online as I would in real life and except something similar and everything I told you is really me.

Their response to my above message was “This is sweet. I’m glad feel free to open up to me. You tell me whatever you want, whenever you want and I won’t share with anyone one. You’re sweet.”. This made my gut feel weird.

Regardless I had gotten in contact, endorse him with out really knowing and wrote an article as kind gesture about his peer resource (he followed me on social media, even though I never ask him too.) I was seeking validation from outside sources, just wanted to be heard and I thought because he was being kind to me and my struggles he must be like me. I for a brief moment thought a potential friendship could be formed and that is not a crime. I made the wrong choice, I am so sorry self. I let you down. I did not fully believe in you and found myself having to defend myself worth-my fault for seeking validation from someone pretending to be someone as open and caring. He back out and was not trying to do anything with my writing, back out of and apologize (not sure if sincere or not) and told me “But I support you now too, I don’t think of someone who just follows me. I see your stuff and support you blog. <3. ”

This after I sent this message begging for respect and asking to be seen as equal was really degrading, it remind me about asking my ex-boyfriend to not harm me, then he would and then say but I love you. I have had to dealt with manipulative people all my life and not by choice. I no longer associate with drama, bullies or individuals who do not care and who are extremely entitled and treat people poorly. This situation was different, I was not interested in him in any romantic way. I empathized with him on a few emotional topics as we had eerily similar experiences. However when I realized, actions and words were inconsistent, I knew what my gut was telling me. He does not care really care. Not a crime, but I really did not need the support me now. That was cruel to lie in the moment I did some validation and not acknowledge someone feelings.

Inconsistency is a warn sign. It felt fake, the online persona. He just did not care about me as person and was just using my empathy and wanted my constant one way attention to bolster his own self-image and I felt he manipulated my kindness, it was all about power. I felt like I was just one of his endless supply of admirers. I was turned into bad “fan” for asking him to stop using flirty emoticons and ” Hey Babe” towards me and would not go down that road with him again as engaging in personal conversation via messenger due to what happened with the email and I made him feel bad with all my boundaries. It became very complicated as I was working with his associate at the same time. Which is why I wanted to distance myself and make it civil. In fact here is the response when I ask him to stop using phrases such as hey babe and 😉 and considering what I stated was a misunderstanding as it too was confusing. “Okay Em, I don’t know what is wrong. But every other day you are ‘setting some boundary.’ I just respond to and support anyone who messages and supports me. If you look back through our messages, you will see it’s shocking how many you actually sent me. Goodbye. Keep it up. I’ll stop responding to you for good. Boundary is clear now.” He turned it back at me and made me out to some like obessive fan in love with him as he did it to me-unliked all my pictures and unfollowed, I deleted all digital evidence of us talking public and from my website instantly after getting this. It was petty, but I was not the obsessive fan.

While attempting to get to common ground, giving the benefit of the doubt and at least try to interact on civil level I restated I care and love for them as a person. NOT in love, but that unconditional love that bounds humans. That is my nature while maintaining his language was too intimate for me as we are not friends or lovers and too many boundaries from artist and fan dynamics have been crossed, so for it to be fair to me now too as it had to change, the direction of interaction. That is a balance adult view. I was working professionally with their associate too. I also apologizing for a harsh message I sent which could have been worded more assertively and potentially hurtful ( I felt remorse). I really did not like my own reaction to their behaviour. I also confronted his behaviour with screen shots, and even told him that I thought he was trying to take advantage and how asking for respect made me feel which is why I wrote that is why I wrote the harsh message, I did not mean it like that. No acknowledgement of how I felt was ever given. After all that, I learned he lied about supporting me, he never read my blog or supported me, yet he told me he did Lesson learnt, deliberately mislead. I cut contact from him completely, I told him I no longer associate with him. The shame and guilt for allowing someone use me online, for not trusting my gut …really hit home. I did not protect the little girl in me, I had self-love, I just hadn’t dealt with own shit. I grow up with a messed up version of love and manipulative people. That love should always been given with conditional on one side and unconditional. So use to choose friends, lovers and associate with people in people who loved, supported with conditions-their way or I was bad. That is not love, I learned that secure attachments are unconditional and by 15 I developed real friendships etc. That why this situation was easier to walk away from. But in response to dealing with similar people, I do not like, it is not in true alignment of myself.

It gets really confusing after I said done, we both were not single and yet he was posting break up lyrics/ quote, crying on social media after I said I am done. I felt a lot of remorse in the moment, I did not want to make anyone cry. I felt remorse for my message I intended to be assertive but came off aggressive. I had apologized for that though. I had to be done, no longer my burden to carry. It was too toxic, I have value too, I did not responed further except for well wishes and asking to remove me from their social media after they learnt they lied.

Once someone blatantly lies to you, they do no respect you. I walked away and yes eventually became hurt, when I realized the full truth, he just did not care and it is not a crime, but it not a standard of someone I want in my life or want to support, I want full time associates, friends lover- setup or set out- I am human, I feel emotions and weather my interactions with others are online or person I treat all with respect, even if he did not care as much, the lack of respect towards my feelings was the most disturbing and the bullying. He felt entitled to treat me like this as I was a fan. Well, I removed him from my website and walked way as I that is not my standard as a fan. I will no longer accept that. Now, only fans of people who do not treat people like that and only doing something for a good cause or that I know personally. No further incidents happened after that.

A fan has a right to be treated with respect and establish boundaries.
Especially if the artist and fan are engaging in activities that are outside the
relationship dynamic. Artist and fan relationships are typically unbalanced,due to the fact that the fan is the one really interested in the other person. Fans have the right to ask for behavior to stop without being bullied. Now I am ready to speak out about the importance of self-worth
and how having it means that you know in all type of relationships, even in a power imbalance ones you deserve respect. If you are not respected, walk away and if need be speak out. Also, learn about stepping out of your ego and dealing with your own shit head on. If you do not, you will continue to attract what you no longer want in my life. Remember your worth. While I was not happy with be treated like that I learn as months of healing went by forgiveness came in and maybe they really did not realize their actions. I am sure it was uncomfortable to know your actions cause someone to feel worthless- However I cannot speak on how he felt. I can only tell you this situation is forcing me to deal with all my layers. I made the right decisions in this situation that best for me as I have value and my feelings are valid too.

This experience while stressful has not defined me. I know my lesson and it has made me self-aware. I have compassion for him, the situation is not about who is right or wrong, it was more a nudge from universe to work on me and get me in the right direction- and for me to step out of my ego and change me and my reaction made me aware of how much I needed to change for my own sake, so I could be true to me.

To my cyberbully, Thank you for making me more compassionate and stronger. I will never associate with you again, but your bullying reinforce my true values and me change for the better. That is a powerful gift and I have you to thank directly. May your life be good and no you did not succeed in bringing me down. Instead you helped me rise, empowered me become stronger and thank you in the end to finally respecting my boundaries. I really hope for the best for you, I know you are really hurting beneath it all. I do not hate you at all. I look back on this experience with smiles and compassion.

Also nothing romantic about our interaction at all ….

I am so grateful for my experience.

Mia V.